Friday, March 11, 2016

Embarassed but not ashamed

I wish I had the consistency of a writer and that I didn't wait for another three years before I wrote another blog.

I remember 3 years ago in a fit of excitement,laced with commitment I wrote my first blog.and then another one.and then another one.and then probably two more and the excitement fizzed off.

Being an introvert can take its toll .Yes, On this forum, without any hesitation I can boldly declare that I am an introvert with a mild inclination towards Agoraphobia.I am not scared to declare my weakness to people who don't know me personally.

So why is being an introvert a hindrance in writing a blog? Well, we don't want to give away too much.and writing a blog can mean exactly that.The process of writing may come as catharsis, but to me and others like me even a regular catharsis can be damaging.

I am a 33 year old who is still lost.I still don't know my strengths or at least not the proper application of my strengths.I still look around for adult-er adults.I have a stream of moments that roll in my head like the credits at the end of a movie that embarrass me enough to arouse the will to kill myself.I have no skills that I can flaunt.No achievements that make me proud.

Being sooo average I am EMBARRASSED........... BUT NOT ASHAMED !

I have well wishers who try to infuse sense into me by telling me its okay to be average and make things worse by citing examples from their lives.I doesn't help,it just doesn't!

Considering the average life expectancy on an average to be between late 60s and mid 70s , I haven't achieved much in life .Many of the achievements that people of my age and socio-economic background flaunt just fuel my embarrassment.

Being a mother,a teacher ,a wife ,a  homemaker, these are things that come with life.If you don"t do even that ,what do you do? I believe an achievement should be something that makes you stand above the crowd.It shouldn't be a responsibility,it should be something that we do on our own accord to contribute to the family or society .

I am not ashamed because I have a built-in hindrance (my introversion + agoraphobia ) that stops me, but i am embarrassed because I haven't worked hard enough to overcome this impediment.I need to motivate my self enough to cross the threshold ,a very high one, that restrains me from breaking free of my fears and going out into the world with the potential trapped within me.

I know I'm not alone,There are more like me.

We are all born with a certain amount of innate potential.Some of us are lucky enough to tap into it and exploit it to their benefit.Others like me waste half their lives and then realize what a waste we have been.

Well,no more !!!

Im changing parties and going to the bright side.

So introverts,agoraphobes, .......Is that a possibilty? Do you think I can achieve something after wasting half of my life being a nobody?

I have my hopes high.

Signing off till the next time I get hit by enthusiasm :)